The sunset was absolutely stunning the other evening. I live for a good sunset. It’s my favorite time of the day. Things get quiet and peaceful. The stress of the day begins to lift – it’s almost my time. I felt inspired by colors in sky that night. So, after putting the boys to bed, I sat down to edit and work on some personal projects that have been waiting patiently. However, instead of holding on to that beautiful feeling of inspiration I’d felt less than an hour ago, I felt exhaustion. Pure exhaustion. My eyes wouldn’t focus and I felt defeated. There are never enough minutes in the day to complete my endless to do list. I began to think, “Why am I doing this to myself? Why do I push so hard? Why do I set my personal expectation so high? Who am I trying to impress?” And then I realized, it’s me. I’m trying to impress myself. I know at the end of day if I didn’t get the laundry put away, run all the errands I had on my list, run/workout, complete a craft with the kids, finish editing my personal photos, etc., I would still be loved. No one would give up on me. Yet I still push. I wonder, on the nights I’m still up editing at 2am, why did I start a business when I’m so busy taking care of my family.
I have big dreams. I have built my castles in the air because, I suppose, I need the challenge. When life feels too easy, I feel uneasy and depression creeps in. I appreciate the struggle, and I believe life isn’t suppose to be easy. Character is built during hard times, and we learn our true strength. There are days I get on the treadmill to run, and I run until I almost puke. Why!?! Then it hits me – that amazing rush of endorphins. I need to accomplish my goals for that wonderful, euphoric rush. I need to cross everything off the to do list for that satisfying feeling of crossing off the last item. I need to prove to myself I can, because someday I might not be able to. Eventually, this body will grow old and I won’t be able to run as fast. Years from now, I might not be able to get myself in the strangest positions to get the shot. But right now, in this moment, I am strong, willing, and able. And, I am fortunate enough to have the means and support to pursue my dreams (great things are rarely accomplished by one person alone). I might be tired, but I want to look back someday on a life well lived – no opportunities missed or time wasted on self-doubt. I want to take photographs people love, I want to be involved in my family, and I want to win a 5k (dreamin big on that 5k). I will lose sleep, but I’m going to push.
There are, of course, days where I’m scared I’m not good enough. I compare my professional work to other photographer’s portfolios and wonder if I have half the talent they have. I worry daily I’m not making the right parenting choices. Life can be terrifying, and self-doubt can be so very powerful if you let it take over. But, I care about my dreams. I desperately want them to be realities. So, I suck it up and push harder. If I don’t work hard everyday to build the foundations for my castles, no one else will do it for me. The hardest part is always believing I’m as good as I tell myself I am.
I said before I push harder to impress myself. But I have to admit, it’s not just for me…it’s for my family. I want my husband to be proud of me. My castles are our castles. Above all, I want to impress my boys. I pray everyday that my babies grow up to build castles in the air of their own. I want them to know their dreams have no limits. I will teach them to push.
